In the Backpack
One of my son’s schools accused me of harassing them with information from “internet professionals.” At the time this was said, there wasn’t a single professional I had in-person access to who actually knew how to handle my son. We were passed on from one professional to another, and starting over 30+ times hasn’t been an easy journey. The reality is, these “internet professionals” are the people that taught me the skills I really needed, allowed me to keep my son in our home, and ultimately saved my son and I. They are also real, true, very much alive humans, who have dedicated their lives to families like mine, and are making the world a better place for individuals with significant mental health struggles. The work of all those listed below will be woven into the approach of The Everest School.
Dr. Ross Greene, author of “The Explosive Child” and “Lost at School”
To learn more about Collaborative and Proactive Solutions: https://livesinthebalance.org/
To order the books: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=dr+ross+greene&ref=nb_sb_noss
I can still remember the day I fully committed myself to utilizing Collaborative and Proactive Solutions. I was sitting in a therapist’s office at a treatment facility. He was telling me that I needed to decide on expectations, and if my son didn’t follow them there needed to be a consequence that I stuck to. It was the same thing the previous therapist said. My son was to “do x” so he could earn screen time. I told him I wasn’t going to do that, because I valued my life and wanted to live to see more days. Also, it was utilizing the “stick to the consequences” method that landed my son in another inpatient stay. I wasn’t doing that again. It wasn’t working.
I can’t say that I actually ever fully stuck to the method in Dr. Greene’s books, but at the time, what I really needed to hear was that it is okay to drop expectations. It certainly didn’t erase all the violence and struggle that existed in our home at the time, but it did bring a semblance of peace. And over the course of the following years, with this method always in the back of my mind, my son slowly but surely learned how to accept delayed gratification, to discuss possible solutions with me, and use more words and less violence.
Robyn Gobbel, author of “Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors”
To access free resources: https://robyngobbel.com/
To order the book: https://a.co/d/44waNhT
I can remember a point in the midst of bouncing from therapist to therapist that I wished I could just move to Texas and have Robyn be my son’s therapist. I will never stop shouting her praises, because she is honestly one of my most favorite humans on this planet. I never did move to Texas, but in pandemic times her business shifted to more of an online presence with Master Classes, a podcast, and The Club. I’ve learned so much from her, and she’s often been the one to regulate me through distressing times. Not the actual in-person Robyn, but her voice coming through my car speakers, or through the words in an email she sent. She truly understands families like mine, and I will forever be grateful for her ability to translate complicated neuroscience into terms that are understandable to the average person.
Amanda Diekman, author of “Low Demand Parenting”
Her website: https://www.amandadiekman.com/
To order the book: https://a.co/d/5pBToDD
“In their eyes, I see myself without a mask. Unafraid to break the rules, unconcerned about being liked. Because I like the woman I see through their eyes. A strong and courageous mother who will transform the world for them. To stand with your child, just as they are, in radical acceptance is one of the hardest things a parent can do.”
As I drove home from work one day the words above made me cry. For the first time in the extremely difficult years with my son I felt seen. It was the first time in my parenting journey that I felt like there was another person in the world who didn’t think I was crazy. By the time I heard these words I was already 5 years into practicing low demand parenting, though I didn’t know that’s what it was called until being introduced to Amanda through Robyn Gobbel’s podcast.
I have plenty of other parents in my circle with kids who have big, baffling behaviors. But none of them ever seemed to have a kid that was at the level my son is. Their kids have their struggles, some low-key issues, but what was going on in my house was next-level. The aggression. The refusal. The demands. They were so much more prevalent, resistant to intervention and extreme in our house. By the time I listened to this book I was very much at peace (at least most of the time) with following my son’s needs. We were in a pretty good place. But listening to this book provided the validation that my unceasing advocacy to have the adults in my son’s life change THEIR perspectives, instead of expecting my son to change who he is, was indeed the right thing, the brave thing, to do.
Heather Forbes, author of “Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control” and “Help for Billy”
Website: https://www.beyondconsequences.com/
This isn’t usually the first resource I recommend to people anymore, because others, like those above, have more current work. But I include Heather because she was truly the start to my understanding of what trauma informed care is. So I feel like she at least deserves a place on my list of influential people that led me to found The Everest School.
